Quantcast
Channel: The Good Men Project
Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 7

Why You Have to Stop Bashing Your Toxic Ex

0
0

I remember so clearly the day I decided he wasn’t worth my energy anymore.

I was done with the lies. I was done with being made to feel inferior. I was done with the manipulation.

I was done with him.

Or so I thought.

I divorced the toxic ex. I decided it was necessary for me to break free. We still have to communicate, though, because we have a child together.

So I also decided that I was going to be the best co-parent I could possibly be, even though I was disgusted with his toxic nature, because our child deserves to have two parents working together for her benefit.

Part of this new focus for me was that I refused to speak badly of him in general.

No ex-bashing.

This was really hard. Like, so insanely hard. After all, I had been so entrenched in how awful things were with him, that was almost all I could see.

But I knew. I just knew that if I kept that up, I would stay stuck. And nothing good comes from being stuck.

So I chose to put my focus on all the ways he had tried to be a good partner to me in the past.

WHAT?! I know.

And yes, that was tricky, but if you put your focus on something, you’ll find what you’re looking for.

Most importantly, I put my focus on all the ways I could see that he was trying to be a wonderful Dad to our child.

I’m sure you can tell by now, I’m not referring to the usual “bashing.”

If you are still at that point, where every chance you get, you say something horrible about your ex, please do whatever you can to heal from the need to do that.

Trust me: that kind of bashing is the most unhealthy thing you can do for your own well-being, and you will only attract more toxicity into your life while you continue to do it.

No, the bashing I’m referring to comes from your own perspective on the toxic relationship.

Bashing your toxic ex isn’t just saying how awful he or she is to your friends. It isn’t just focusing on and worrying about the crap he or she tries to pull.

It’s allowing him/her to control your focus.

And yes, you have to give that person permission to do that.

They can behave any old way they want, but YOU get to decide if you are going to let their behavior rule your thoughts and actions.

Bashing them is any continued focus on their negative aspects.

Yes, it’s important to know what you are dealing with and to create solid boundaries. But once you’ve done that? Leave it be.

You’re against them treating you badly, I get it. I really do.

But the best way to be against something is to be for something else.

Instead of being against how they behave, be FOR as healthy a relationship as you can have with them.

And in fact, you have to do it without bashing them, because the longer you keep your focus on what deserves bashing, the longer you’ll experience it.

You don’t want toxicity, you want healthy.

You’ll never get away from toxicity and into healthy until you stop bashing your toxic ex.

Here’s how to stop bashing your ex and start experiencing a better situation with him/her:

1. Identify the behaviors you aren’t willing to accept.

2. Decide what you WILL accept instead, relative to each negative behavior.

3. Pre-pave experiencing what you WANT to experience from them. This means making a declaration of what you want to experience as if you’ve already experienced it.  For example: “Thank you that JoeSchmoe spoke as kindly to me as possible.”

I’ve done exactly this with my toxic ex, and have guided my clients to do the same, with much success. Pre-pave, have faith, and look for evidence of what you WANT.

The shift in focus will work miracles in your life.

Originally published on Huffington Post.

If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.

◊♦◊

better world

◊♦◊

Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.

◊♦◊

submit to Good Men Project

◊♦◊

Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.

The Good Men Project is an Amazon.com affiliate. If you shop via THIS LINK, we will get a small commission and you will be supporting our Mission while still getting the quality products you would have purchased, anyway! Thank you for your continued support!

Photo: Getty Images

The post Why You Have to Stop Bashing Your Toxic Ex appeared first on The Good Men Project.


Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 7

Latest Images

Trending Articles





Latest Images